I had family in metropolis this weekend so obtained on the abet of on these, confidently you abilities them! The questions had been submitted right here, there will possible be a July session later within the month.
Q1: After I’m walking down the avenue with chums who admire dogs, they adore to interrupt our conversations with screams adore “OMG LOOK AT THAT DOGGO!” I discontinue up awkwardly replying with something adore “oh yes, fine dogs” or “wow, it has three colours,” with out managing to quite replicate the marvelous friend’s alive to tone. Impression you might perhaps perhaps well need any recommendations for replies that might perhaps perhaps well perhaps invent these interludes more satisfying with out entertaining fully faking enthusiasm I make no longer feel? (she/her/hers)
A1: After I become once on the coastline with a shut ideal friend and we every lost our minds at a scene of family cuteness that become once unfolding in entrance of us and then realized: She become once taking a demand on the newborn. I become once taking a demand on the pup. Neither of us had if truth be told even clocked the assorted minute glowing being.
I assume my ask is, why make you’re feeling akin to you earn to repeat their enthusiasm or groundless it? Your mates will possible be very enraged about dogs, you might perhaps perhaps well be the marvelous friend who’s no longer any longer so hyped about dogs and who indulgently waits out Dog Excitement Time. Doubtlessly you might perhaps perhaps well eternally be somewhat aggravated by the interruptions to your conversations, perhaps you might perhaps perhaps well suppose nothing about this since the world is exhausting ample with out policing the enjoyment of these that earn very enraged about dogs. Canines will possible be beautiful with out your affirmation, dogs-of us will keep enraged about dogs, so lift on along with your dry “Oh, become once that a dogs?” natural human reactions, there’s no earn to faux!
Q2: I only within the near past split up with my husband of fifteen years. We went to the same writing program in college, and repeatedly linked over books, writing, art (etc.). His opinions on same earn repeatedly been sturdy and strongly expressed, which made me shrink as an artist & art-lover to match into no subject divulge he wasn’t taking on (which wasn’t powerful). How make I rediscover my have faith model and reclaim my ragged identity as a writer? Thanks! (she/her/hers)
A2: What a compulsory and confidently extremely fun carrying out, if truth be told one in every of the huge rewards of breaking apart with any individual defective is reconnecting along with your have faith pleasure and tastes. Let me throw a few recommendations at you, and, while might perhaps perhaps well perhaps repeatedly engage classes and workshops, you can need a staunch atomize from that factual now, so I’m going to counsel NON-class/writer’s community/formal development with an authority establish-form-issues, ample?
- Something you truly liked and learned from all by intention of your time with this person is unexcited yours, you don’t earn to disavow all of it at the same time as you don’t earn to. You earn to unexcited earn your well-liked breakfast set aside and bar and shuttle space in dispute for you them, too. You had been there to your account at the same time as you stumbled on these items, they aren’t his.
- Repeat after me: There are no guilty pleasures simplest pleasures. Read every earn of genres supposed for every earn of audiences, don’t stick with what you’ve regarded as as Vital and Prestigious and Extreme factual now. When teaching first year film college students of their very first moviemaking class, I in most cases did an icebreaker where I asked them to list five “desert island” movies, and I didn’t desire their “coolest” or “impressive” movies, I essential to know these they watched all another time and all another time, these that comforted them after they had been in depressed health, these that remind them of particular of us and reminiscences, these they’ll quote every line, these that made them dress up because the characters for Halloween, these that can repeatedly invent them halt within the event that they seek it on TV flipping channels. We’d earn GREAT lists, the category would know more about every other’s body of reference, but something vital would be mentioned, too, which is, there’s a reason you essential to make this along with your existence, don’t let anyone dispute you out of loving what you admire. Deal with onto the issues you admire, and add contemporary issues to that admire, don’t feel akin to you might perhaps perhaps well settle on to “upgrade” your private art chums that obtained you by intention of to factual now.
- The Artist’s Map is a conventional for a causes, the morning pages, “artist dates,” and idea workout routines are a upright manual-draw to getting unstuck and dealing out some issues. Some of us react very badly to the sincerity and “woo” factor but I specialize in that’s piece of the magic, adore, nope, you’re gonna be a BIG OLD DORK about your art for a while, now invent a puppet of your interior critic and relate it to fuck off.
- Mosey abet in time. What’s the final factor you had been studying factual before you met your ex? What are some issues you truly liked as somewhat one and intensely young lady? Revisit them.
- Mosey sideways. What are mediums that your ex had no abilities on or hobby in? What are issues you might also abilities are residing where you is liable to be residing (music, dance, theater) and immerse yourself in a room and a performance and a community? Test out a theater subscription, dig by intention of your earlier mix tapes. Cleansing.
- Mosey visual. Allotment 1: Ranking photos that dispute strongly to you – will possible be pictures (even ads), film stills/screenshots, pictures of art work over the direction of some months. Allotment 2: Pick your 5 well-liked ones, and gain a mode to print out or carve again out colour versions of them and dangle them on a wall. Allotment Three: If you might perhaps perhaps well need them up, demand at them and seek within the event that they’ve anything in frequent – frequent motifs, themes, colours, self-discipline subject, areas, what make they remind you of, what feelings draw up, what senses draw up. Repeat this periodically. What’s altering? What’s the same? (I venerable to make this in teams and earn the assorted college students rush round and write what they seen on smooth sheets of paper below every community of pictures. It repeatedly went somewhere very frigid, per chance set aside that with a few artist/writer chums?)
- No occupation advice factual now, ideal job. Observe Shaula Evans, (http://shaulaevans.com/) she offers the finest prompts and questions, repeatedly something that makes me specialize in and earn to revisit my have faith work. Gaze also Jami Attenberg’s 1,000 phrases of Summer carrying out, where subscriptions are chubby but archives are there and also you might also jump in any time. Or play with The Storymatic. You’re ideal taking half in for a while, the stakes are low.
- Write down a listing of 10 art projects you might perhaps perhaps well perhaps make, encompass issues that are fully silly and “would by no formulation work.” Your wildest objectives. Your pettiest revenge. Your most self-indulgent story. Revisit this in most cases. The “that’s ridiculous” stuff will sound more and more possible the longer you make this, if my private “ha, no person will ever invent a movie adore this!” pocket e book from grad college is any indication.
- Steal something you wrote before and remake it as something else. Does it earn to be a brief account or might perhaps perhaps well perhaps it be a poem or a radio piece or a play or a puppet shroud. What changed? What stayed the same?
That ought to keep you for a while!
Q3. I admire my spouse a lot, and I admire “frequent” intimacy and being bodily shut to her. Nonetheless, I gain I’m no longer as drawn to sex with her any more. We’re poly and each earn a wholesome sexual relationship with other companions, but for no subject reason, I’m ideal no longer grew to change into on by her adore I venerable to be, and I don’t know what to make about that.
A3: I if truth be told earn a few recommendations:
- Has your spouse seen/is she bummed out/also disinterested within the home entrance and happier to earn laid in other locations for a bit? Has something changed to your overall self-discipline that’s contributing stress? What does she specialize in goes on?
- Every one I know in a protracted-time frame relationship who’s unexcited having upright sex on the contemporary locations it on the calendar in some formulation. I specialize in we ideal attain a degree where ‘being spontaneous’ or ‘being within the temper,’ ideal doesn’t lift it (“You’ll unexcited be right here day after recently, factual? Perchance I’ll be within the temper then!”) and now we earn got to invent somewhat more effort to invent it happen. Are you and your spouse getting over-scheduled with other commitments and is that this a time/effort/energy factor?
- Whenever you make make sexy stuff along with your spouse, are you able to are trying making it “all about her” for now, no subject desiring to you? (Getting her off and letting her nod off after with none stress to reciprocate, focusing on issues you recognize she likes, studying/staring at sexy stuff you recognize she likes). Obviously register with her before you launch some SURPRISE! WE’RE DOING SEX YOUR WAY! marketing campaign, but I’d imagine a grew to change into-on lady with quite a few gratitude for being made to feel awesome is liable to be a lovely thrilling lady to be round.
Be peaceable with yourself and with her, confidently that offers you some starting components to establish out if right here’s a brief-time frame go or a tectonic shift.
[MODERATOR NOTE: I don’t let polyamorous of us breeze into questions about monogamous partnerships flee amok with “effectively, earn you heard the upright records about polyamory?” so undoubtedly we’re no longer doing the reverse. In case your comment about this become once deleted, right here’s why. Thanks!]
Q4: What’s your advice for “easy how you might perhaps perhaps well be on time” once I if truth be told earn 1) govt functioning issues 2) pain job-switching Three) the earn of unhappy that tends to earn me “stuck” and ruminating factual once I earn to leave four) irrational terror about that ONE LAST THING that needs to be executed before I trudge? I know there’s a total bunch advice on this but no longer a lot that isn’t shamey + understands psychological health.
A4: Here’s one in every of my constant struggles, and it’s perhaps going to be a existence-long battle for me, even with a total bunch medication and give a have faith to and self-awareness and existence-hacks. First, I hope you’re treating your unhappy, terror, and govt characteristic stuff to the extent you might also, and my recommendations are no longer substitutes for clinical care. 2d, these aren’t supposed to be total recommendations or duvet every eventuality, but there are some issues that support me make higher with time:
I if truth be told earn magical enraged about time. To battle this, once I keep an match in my calendar, adore, “Meeting, 3pm” I also calculate the mandatory commute time & route & directions & sign (+ add 20-30 minutes to that for upright measure), and schedule a separate match known as “LEAVE FOR [EVENT]” and set aside up associated alerts. It’s no longer ideal but in most cases redefining a factor from “I if truth be told earn an appointment at 3pm” to “If I earn to have interaction public transit, I need to be on the 1:55 pm 78 bus ($2.25 + $.25 to switch), in every other case I if truth be told earn to earn a Lyft by 2:30 ($12-$14), hello Siri take me back to the actual fact at 1:30 to earn prepared” does a greater job. It’s tougher to make the mandatory breakdown once I’m already pressured out and horrified about being slack, so doing it factual once I schedule the factor helps atomize it down and incentivizes the earlier, more affordable departure time.
My laptop is a trap. Impression you might perhaps perhaps well need a trap? I admire my laptop, it’s how I know actually all of you, hello! If I am exquisite with myself, I will no longer “ideal’ read a few emails and resolution them and oh demand, listed below are some feedback to moderate and browse. I will earn sucked your total formulation in and job-switching will possible be very, very exhausting. So if I’m seeking to earn out the door at a clear time, in particular within the morning, once I inaugurate getting prepared, I perhaps can’t flip inaugurate my laptop. What’s the YOU-trap between you and getting prepared or between you and heading out the door? Can you acknowledge it and neutralize it?
What’s the “why.” Feelings, in particular heart-broken/terror feelings aren’t the BOSS of me, but they are knowledge. If I’m averting/dreading/procrastinating about heading out the door for something, why? Why am I going to this have faith the first set aside? Why am I selecting to head, make I if truth be told earn a name, what make I hope will happen there, what am I staring at for to abilities, who will I seek, what am I unnerved of, what am I no longer taking a demand forward to? Am I over-dedicated and earn to dispute yes to fewer issues? I know for years of going by intention of unhappy and terror that in most cases I if truth be told can’t trudge to a factor but also in most cases it ideal feels adore that and I will possible be quite relaxed once I’m there so it’s price pushing by intention of. I also learned that I need to halt asserting yes to particularly social events I feel “per chance” about within the first set aside.
On occasion making a sign of the sensation helps me make the factor anyway. On occasion reframing “I if truth be told earn to” issues as “I earn to/I am selecting to” issues helps (no longer repeatedly that you just might also own, but price a strive, I specialize in). Disgrace is ineffective. It if truth be told is. I’m no longer 100% at being on time but I don’t rush into every room pre-apologizing for myself anymore.
[MODERATOR HAT ON: Whenever you happen to is liable to be an organized person that does no longer battle with timeliness, exactly zero of your “ideal lay your garments out the night before and ideal keep your keys in a findable set aside” are going to reduction. All of us know that stuff, that stuff is notable, but for us there’s no longer this form of thing as a “ideal,” it’s unexcited exhausting. Requesting input from fellow time-strugglers simplest.]
Q5: I if truth be told earn an honest friend (Zelda), who goes by intention of one trauma after one more (all edifying issues). No person needs to dispute anything to her because she’s having a exhausting time thanks to *most contemporary anguish*.
How powerful leeway are you able to give any individual thanks to something adore this (it’s been YEARS, and it’s repeatedly something) and what to make when she e.g. kinds a contemporary social media community with all but one member of our ideal friend community? (she/her/hers)
A5: Here’s a model of questions where I will relate there is a GIANT abet-account right here. I’m going to establish out to reply to this with out judgment of you or Zelda or even seeking to bet what’s happening. I specialize in it’s time so that you just can have interaction stock of some issues:
- Impression you earn to be chums with Zelda anymore?
- Impression you particularly earn to be in these social media teams with Zelda any further? (Are you the person that become once no longer mighty of the contemporary community? Does “Hi there, did you intentionally exclude (mutual ideal friend), what’s that about?” earn this executed?)
- Assuming you earn to keep chums, where would you most purchase to earn interaction with Zelda (on-line, offline, occasional capture-up lunches or trudge to the flicks, textual jabber, phone, sending amusing postcards within the mail?)
- Is Zelda asking of us for particular support with these crises or is it background noise – everybody’s sharing what’s happening with them, and right here’s what’s happening with her? Is it that you just’re in doubt what she’s asking for/why she’s sharing no subject it’s miles? (“Hi there Zelda, are you ideal venting or is there something particular you wish any individual to pitch in on recently?”) On occasion it’s exhausting to ask for support (and of us specialize in sharing the self-discipline is akin to asking for support), in most cases it’s miles fine venting and the person doesn’t desire support or advice, she ideal needs of us to know what’s happening, when in doubt, ask!
- Is the “No person needs to dispute anything to her” factor a “No person needs to dispute anything to Zelda about [clearparticularundesirable/improperbehaviors] because she’s in most cases within the guts of a disaster” self-discipline?
Assuming you draw out of that thinking job unexcited desirous to be chums with Zelda, you can strive a few issues:
- Perchance these on-line teams aren’t your jam and also you might also engage a atomize from them.
- Whenever you happen to’re feeling some trauma fatigue, per chance you’re no longer ‘job trauma’-ideal friend at this time, per chance you’re ‘make peaceable fine fun issues’-ideal friend factual now. If that’s the case, take into account what occasional exquisite low-dedication hangouts you might also neutral earn to invite Zelda to that are within her bandwidth and where the subtext isn’t “you is liable to be a anguish and I am right here to permit you to.” Deem: lunch, Saturday breakfast, free night on the art museum, a matinée you’ve been desirous to demand, the cat cafe, a devoted rush inaugurate air. Does altering the venue switch the vibe?
- If there’s some conflict or habits you earn to dispute with Zelda about, if “everybody’s” been keeping restful about it for a truly long time and getting incessantly more aggravated, earn in mind that Zelda doesn’t know it’s a longstanding self-discipline. So be peaceable, particular, and treat it adore the first offense – one that you just quite reasonably ask her to reasonably reply to – and dispute for yourself (no longer your total community). “I’ve seen ____, what’s happening there?”“I need you to ___.”
- Related discussions. Authorized ideal fortune.
Q6: I admire your dating profile recommendations! Impression you might perhaps perhaps well need any wisdom for of us procuring for chums on apps adore Bumble BFF? (she/her)
A6: Thanks! Here’s the first I’m hearing of this provider, which sounds beautiful smooth. I’m no longer obvious I if truth be told earn any advice that that is liable to be diversified from the dating profile recommendations: Be very exquisite, sparkling, and particular about who you is liable to be, don’t strive to charm to the widest that you just might also own viewers (you don’t desire ALL POSSIBLE FRIENDS, you desire chums who match you), secret agent reciprocity and matching enthusiasm ranges, and own out the these that invent you’re feeling true and upright.
It’s perhaps tougher to reject these that don’t if truth be told match you when there isn’t the same glaring”I felt no enchantment/spark” resolution to fall abet on, but friendship has a spark, too, so snoop on that. You will possible be ready to earn a exquisite time with any individual and no longer earn to be most efficient chums.
Q7: How make I consult with more moderen chums relating to the depressive episode I’m currently working my formulation out of? I haven’t had one in years and earn made contemporary chums in that time. They know intellectually about my unhappy (I am beautiful candid about it) but hadn’t viewed it in chubby drift except this year. I are inclined to isolate all by intention of them and am unnerved I timorous contemporary chums off. (she/her/hers)
A7: You’ve been right here before, which I specialize in will permit you to own why make you desire your contemporary chums to know (duh, they’re your chums, they’d desire to know what’s happening with you) and what make you desire them to know (“My unhappy flared up and I’m in a go factual now, what that appears to be like adore for me is ______”) and what make you desire them to make (“My tendency is to isolate so I might perhaps perhaps well well no longer be up for big community issues or astronomical-alive to to invent plans, but it surely helps me when chums make ________.”) Giving your chums something to make and telling them what unhappy formulation & appears to be like adore particularly for you might also neutral support allow them to know what they’re in for. I hope you inaugurate feeling higher rapidly.
Q8: I came out to my family as trans a year ago they in most cases took it poorly but no longer extremely so, long-established I assume. Despite the undeniable truth that they’re the usage of my contemporary name/pronouns they haven’t apologized, it hurts. I steer clear of phone-calls/conferences and send postcards as a substitute. We had been by no formulation shut – there’s no longer a upright relationship to fall abet on. I don’t earn to carve again them off but right here’s exhausting. What are my recommendations to establish out and pass on? (he/him/his)
A8: I’m so sorry it went down this kind, you deserve higher. And the postcards are smooth, a mode to keep the channel of verbal change inaugurate but no longer ask any rapid reaction. Whenever you happen to earn to halt with the postcards and halt working at this in frequent, that’s ample, they’ve selections about what to make right here, phones, email, and the post set aside of business work every recommendations, they’ll attain out to you within the event that they’ve to. Can you throw your energy into friendships and community who are supportive and accepting and keep this burden down for now?
Whenever you happen to earn to invent a final-ditch strive (both now, or after you’ve taken a atomize from attempting), at the same time as you’ve by no formulation sent them to the PFLAG location for some studying cloth you might perhaps perhaps well perhaps make that (even supposing undoubtedly vet no subject particular links you’re sending yourself), and also you might also moreover suppose, “Hi there, I earn to be nearer to you and establish out easy how you might also earn an adult relationship, but I’m having a exhausting time with it. I’m so relaxed you relate my name and pronouns, but I’m unexcited raw from a few of our early conversations round popping out. It might perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps well well indicate a lot to me to hear an apology about [be specific], is there a mode we can clear the air?” Is it a “staunch” apology at the same time as you might perhaps perhaps well settle on to ask? I don’t know, but in dispute for you it per chance you wish it, and per chance they’re also flailing and seeking to establish out what to make. Also, it’s draw up before, but are there cousins/aunts/uncles who are supportive? Our households can seem adore monoliths but they are made of of us.
My ideal friend (codename: Lieutentant Trans) wrote a customer post right here formulation abet, and he has some wisdom for you, I specialize in:
“Relationship essence will possible be boiled down to three qualities: presence, give a have faith to, and approval. I specialize in we in most cases own approval first, or even second, but the actual fact is it nearly repeatedly comes final, if all of it. With my of us, I learned I didn’t need their approval to earn a relationship with them: we can unexcited learn to settle for every others’ presence and give a have faith to. Now, the give a have faith to will possible be restricted all by intention of the classes of learning acceptance, so issues will unexcited be draining for these of us attempting for a shut relationship with of us, when sooner or later you might perhaps perhaps well attain a degree of exhaustion, you no longer need to focal point on what’s no longer working, you don’t earn to beat your head in opposition to the wall any more…
…And while your father will possible be ignorant about abnormal counterculture, he is conscious of to boot to you that you just don’t earn a relationship, that you just is liable to be no longer shut. What you earn to establish is if he also needs to head beyond what you at the moment earn. If that is the case, expend time focusing on clear interactions, issues you might perhaps perhaps well need in frequent. Focus on food, the climate, inaugurate following his well-liked sports actions group, relate him about TV shows you’re staring at. I’m no longer suggesting swallowing or ignoring the depraved parts, I’m emphasizing work on lift the upright (and mundane) parts with ideal as powerful as energy as you relate on the depraved parts.”
Veritably: Fetch very mundane, non-loaded recommendations to earn interaction and be unusual and seek if that helps push the fraught historical past further abet in time and offers room for something else to grow. I hope it gets higher. Nevertheless they might perhaps perhaps even neutral by no formulation be the of us/family you if truth be told necessary, and also you might also undoubtedly halt working at it for a while in dispute for you a atomize.
Q9: I’m seeking to reconnect with a few of my busy and/or geographically scattered chums. I might perhaps perhaps well perhaps relate some phrases to remind myself that folk are no longer going to mind one “hi, I omit you, right here’s what I’m doing, how about you?” or “you suggested hot chocolate, how about per week from Thursday?” I started ample, then obtained stuck after the second person didn’t resolution. (she/her/hers)
A9: It’s upright that you just’re doing this and probably your chums (who are no longer a monolith, they are separate of us) make no longer mind this at all and are if truth be told grateful! Withhold attempting for a bit, and then halt working on the these that don’t reply (even supposing invent allowances for psychological health stuff and accessibility), and enthusiastically invent plans with the these that make. I in particular adore your form of keen of us to particular issues on a selected day (where they’ll counsel an various within the event that they’ll’t invent that factor), and keen them along to a factor you’re doing anyway where it would be huge within the event that they might perhaps perhaps well well be half of you but it surely’s no longer the deciding factor. You will possible be ready to also add peaceable RSVP carve-off dates in – “I’m seeking to purchase tickets by Monday, are you able to let me know by Sunday night” – and stack invitations – “[Legitimate mutual ideal friend whose attendance you’ve already secured] and I are going to have interaction some books/knitting/crosswords/board games to x centrally-situated cafe/bar between y and z o’clock on [date], topple in and earn a drink with us at the same time as you might also?”
Don’t accomplish all your schedule round these items going down except you earn affirmative commitments, bear in mind that issues didn’t earn “scattered” in a single day they in most cases received’t earn un-that formulation in a single day, so I specialize in you’re doing the total lot factual, and it’s ideal going to have interaction a few minutes.
P.S. In case your chums earn minute adolescents, bring the event to them.
Q10: Many kinds of self-devour terror are distractions from that terror (paying consideration to music, etc). Nevertheless in most cases I’ve stumbled on that I’m anxious about a solvable self-discipline, and “distraction” styles of self-care discontinue up ideal being procrastination; I if truth be told feel higher after I make the factor I lengthen. Programs on colorful yourself or your terror effectively ample to know the variation between terror you earn to ideal wait out vs act on? (they/them)
A10: I in my notion abhor most meditation and “mindfulness” recommendations and other calming down recommendations, they simplest ever stress me out because now I’m perhaps Breathing Unpleasant on top of the total lot else, and I on event feel higher once I convert my terror into circulation. (Seriously round political stuff, where terror is an inexpensive reaction to a self-discipline, and “what can I dooooo” a subject of urgency (seek the sequence of Half-Assed Activist posts).
I also (touched on in recently’s Q4) started monitoring feelings along with tasks and schedule stuff. If a job keeps rolling over from earlier day’s to-make lists, or I’m having a exhausting time motivating to head to a selected factor, what are the feelings happening right here? What am I averting? Is it something that fully has to be executed or can I ideal admit I’m by no formulation doing this fully optional factor I idea I become once going to make and delete it from my “need to” list?
I specialize in distraction works most efficient at the same time as you’re stuck somewhere that you just might also’t leave, or where you might also’t engage circulation about no subject it’s miles. You’re stuck in web jabber online web jabber online visitors or it’s taking eternally to de-airplane. You’re at work and obsessing about something going down at home or vice versa, otherwise you might also’t earn started on the factor that’s making you anxious except you clear one more tasks first. Or, you’re at a event and there’s no home dogs or cat to quietly pet in a restful room. Then yes, breathe in a different way, snoop on music, demand at glowing animals, brew a cup of tea, play somewhat Tetris to your phone, repeat “We’re no longer IN web jabber online web jabber online visitors, we ARE web jabber online web jabber online visitors,” no subject these brief-time frame calming mechanisms are that give you the results you want, bring it on!
From there, one that you just might also own take a look at so that you just can establish out along with your terror, if distraction isn’t working, at the same time as you’re in an anxious temper, per chance make a factor (anything) and seek if it helps? I know UFYH in most cases suggests surroundings a timer for five minutes and decluttering or cleansing 1 microscopic surface as a spot to begin. There’s also this huge post about Breaking The Low Mood Cycle where taking circulation even at the same time as you’re no longer within the temper can in most cases earn you to the temper.
That’s enraged about this week (even supposing there is now bonus jabber on schedule + to-make lists + feelings, thanks for the huge questions!